


therapy

by radholladay



Series: All Time Low Songs [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), All Time Low
Genre: 5 Seconds of Summer - Freeform, Ashton - Freeform, Ashton Irwin - Freeform, Death, Depression, Irwin - Freeform, Other, Self Harm, Suicide, all time low - Freeform, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 08:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2765855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radholladay/pseuds/radholladay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"my lungs gave out, as I face the crowd"</p>
            </blockquote>





	therapy

You were a hurricane coming through and wrecking our life as we knew it. I was an arrogant boy - caring only for myself so no one else had to. In our thoughts, we were perfect for each other. But in our actions, we were both walking travesties. Your storm of lies came crashing on my ship of life - throwing me into a sea of sound. Every night, waking up alone without you, I had everything.

We weren’t fit for each other - I realised that when you left. Leaving me so suddenly that sometimes, in the latest hours, I swear you are still here with me. I could still feel your light caress on my cheek as you woke me up from sleep. I still hear the crack in your voice when we would stay up until 4 AM, talking about life and how we despise living here. I can still smell your lavender body wash on my sheets, almost like I’m falling asleep on half dead flowers. I still taste your spearmint gum you always had in your mouth. I just feel you so much more now, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I’m not the same anymore without you, I’m not the same outgoing person you left. I no longer see the sunlight as a gift; it shines so bright on this dark world. The world that took you from me, leaving me in a city of fools and faceless crowds. I became less and less interested in the world that used to puzzle us, keeping us awake for hours upon hours. Now, that same world bores me, it fucking bores me now that you’re not here. I can’t sleep without wondering why it decided to be against all you were. You were my rolling stone, keeping me alive and keeping me from becoming the flesh and bones that consumed you.

Flesh and bones is all you became; little by little I could see you becoming less and less. You were slowly deteriorating and becoming ashes in the wind. Everyday was a struggle for you; waking up was even worse. Your sleep is what scared me, I could never tell if one night you were going to decide to quit and cease to breathe the air that you loved. Loving consumed far too much of your life, loving the Earth, loving me, but you never loved yourself. You could never tell me why you thought such negative thoughts about yourself; and you could never tell me why you were always so quiet. You were quiet until you left with a big bang, shattering my life - and yours as well.

They told me you had rented a gun weeks before your death, rented it for a month - you didn’t even last that month. I found you lying on the bedroom floor, a note from you in your hand. The letter was so short, but it will create an everlasting effect on my life. You told me you had always loved me far more than you could love yourself - and you hated seeing me struggle to bring you to terms with yourself. You said that many doctors said you were delirious - you saw yourself so negatively that you began to see the world negatively. They didn’t know what could be wrong with someone so right, they couldn’t see anything mentally wrong. But you were good at hiding things, weren’t you?

Hiding was your biggest fault, besides your death. You hid everything from me, your past, your present, and even your future. I was led to believe that we would live a life together, perfectly, normally even. We weren’t what people called normal, were we? We both despised living the same, quite a few times had we stopped trying to even live anymore. But we both ended up being in the room together, for about 4 years. No one understood how we could love each other, when we couldn’t love ourselves first. All that “you have to love yourself, before anyone can love you” is bullshit, utter bullshit, and we proved it. We secretly hated ourselves, but openly loved each other. My love for you blinded me from the pain you had felt for so long.

I still read your letter, this very day. You may have passed 3 months ago, but I still feel you here. That letter made my life impossible to enjoy, even more than it was before. You explained so much, your past with self harm, your past with everything. You knew that I had the same issues, you could tell by how I acted, how I talked, how I would sleep for days on end - or not sleep at all. You knew me more than I knew myself, and that scared you - scared you into thinking that I didn’t trust you enough to tell you these things. But I did, I whispered them to you when you were sleeping, hoping that you would remember then when you woke up. You’re not waking up anymore, and you will remember them - in a different way.


End file.
